The Real Housewives of New York City Weekly Recap: Season 4, Episode 2 "March Madness"

By: Helen Cooper, OJ&B Contributing Writer
And we're back! After last week's drama-filled return to the lives of Manhattan (and Brooklyn)'s most dysfunctional group of lady friends, we're back and ready for even more fighting over nothing! This episode follows the events surrounding (and including) the much-hyped Marriage Equality March. It looks like all a lot of the Real Housewives are involved. Alex, as we've heard 18,000 times, is on the Steering Committee. Jill is on the "Honorary Committee," which is kind of like when celebs get degrees from real colleges: none of the work, all of the applause. And, as we learned in last night's episode, Sonja has been asked to be the Grand Marshall. And because of this huge honor that has been bestowed upon her, Sonja decides to invite all of the ladies over to get ready and borrow some wedding dresses, donated from White Wedding Bridal Affairs in Poughkipsie, NY, dial 1-888-976-CAKE to get in contact with a representative. Seriously. They gave the ladies free dresses and they expect some reciprocal business in exchange.

Very attentive for this important hairspray conversation.

Product placement aside, I totally get inviting your friends over to get ready before a big night out. Just the other week, Jonny V. and I were getting ready to hit up the Tiki Bar so I invited him over to my place to listen to some Britney and help me accessorize. As it turns out, not every let's-get-dressed-up get-together is quite as peaceful. Sonja is fretting over everything. Her hair.(Kelly does it for her--you're a Morgan. Call in a stylist.) Her dress. (At first her boobies can't fit into a pretty blah strapless number, but by the time she walks out the door, she's changed into a white, one-shouldered column dress that has a beautiful deco diamond brooch at the waist and a mermaid flare at the bottom. She looks fabulous.) But most of all, she's stressed about her speech. She is the Grand Marshall, after all. This is her day. It's about her. It was so nice of everyone to come out and support her, Gay Icon of 2011.

This day is about marriage equality. And me.

And here's where the real drama starts. See, Alex takes umbrage with this. The day isn't about Sonja, it's about marriage equality. And she's totally, absolutely right. It seems that in the excitement of the sparkles and gowns and attention from gays, that my dear Sonja has gotten a bit big-headed. She's acting a straight fool and it's not a cute look on her. On the other hand, Alex isn't completely devoid of blame. For all of her huffing and puffing about how the day is about marriage equality, she feels the need to remind everyone that she's on the committee. After Sonja announces that by High Decree of the Gays she was chosen to be the Grand Marshall of the March, Alex interjects, and without skipping a beat, "I'm actually on the committee." Here's the thing, bitches. You know who did the actual footwork for this thing and who deserves some real attention? The gay and lesbian teachers, stock brokers, librarians, convenience store clerks and students who PUT IN ALL THE WORK AND WILL BE AFFECTED BY THE POSSIBLE OUTCOME OF THE MARCH. With all due love and respect (and I do love you all and respect some of you) you're a bunch of privileged, white, straight women whose biggest concerns in the past few years have been how much camera time you're getting on your pithy basic cable television show. Please, just stop for one second and use what little fame and power you have to think about something that's so much bigger than your petty drama. /Rant

Let's discuss this instead of listening to the speakers.

So, after all of that, we find ourselves at the March. Alex is wearing a satin sheath with seemingly no bra (this is not a look that ought to be tried by most. Heck, even Angelina Jolie couldn't pull it off) and Simon is wearing a fabulous rainbow-sequined tuxedo jacket with tails. I assume this is what they wore to their actual nuptials.

Satin: highlighting pancake boobs the world over.

There are so many people there! That's great! And it's getting so much primetime airtime! That's great! Aaaaaaand, then there's more drama. Apparently, when the High Decree of the Gays was passed down to Queen Sonja and she was asked to be Grand Marshall, she replied with a staunch, "I will grace you with my presence, but it shall be known that the only Housewife who shall be allowed to speak will be myself, Queen Sonja." And so it was done. Now, I don't know if this was some kind of last minute Grand Marshalling (perhaps all of the city's other Gay Icons suddenly fell ill just before the March and couldn't attend--I suspect Liza Minelli of trying to take out the competition ) but at the last minute, Simon is told that he's not allowed to speak at the podium of justice, by degree of her Royal Grand Marshallness.

We wanna talk tooooooooo!!!

And booooy, is he steaming. He's so steamed you can see little rainbow flows of steam coming out of his ears, just like in cartoons. What ensues is a lot of bickering and screaming and finger-pointing and delusional "I'm right, you're wrong and I need to get into my Zen place to make a very important Grand Marshalling speech about something or other"-ing. It's all really, really awful. And then something strange happens. See, back in Sonja's boudoir, when this same dramatic blah-blahing was going on, we got a clip of Kelly Killoren Bensimon MAKING THE MOST SENSE IN THE ROOM. She said that Sonja was saying the March was about her and Alex was saying that the March was about her, but Kelly thought that it was about Marriage Equality. At the time, I thought it was a fluke, one of those rare instances when the universe goes totally wacky and does something completely against the laws of nature, like when the sky turns red or platypuses exist. But NO. Kelly does it again at the March! As the girls are squeeing and squabbling, she yells at them that they're embarrassing themselves and that they should all shut up and listen to the speakers. Um, when Kelly's the one making the most sense you've gone off the deep end, ladies.

Jill, as Leather Daddy.

Eventually, the screaming does subside. But not before Jill shows up, wearing black leather and carrying a tiny dog. Now THAT is how you support the gays. Sonja delivers the world's worst speech. The women march across the Brooklyn Bridge, chanting and smiling just like they would if there weren't cameras aimed at them. And they end up at Alex and Simon's dungeon in Brooklyn, where the couple's little Francois is running around like a crazy person (please, Alex and Simon, read me your parenting advice book). Simon gives a curious little toast about coming to America and marrying an Alexandra instead of an Alexander so that he could get his Green Card. But wait, what? I think he basically just said that the real injustice is that he couldn't get his engagement Visa from an Alexander. Huh, how about that. I'll leave you to your sequins and be on my merry way. Readers: Draw your own conclusions.

I want a tour of Simon's closet. (I didn't even mean that as a double entendre and it was!)

After all of that unnecessary drama, I'm almost happy to see boring new girl, Cindy Barshop. She's in the kitchen talking to her brother and he's spilling the beans about what happened at the wedding. Last episode I couldn't figure out what was Ramona was rambling on about, but it seems that Condy's brother speaks Ramona. Apparently his current girlfriend gave him a cigar to smoke--a cigar that was given to her by her late fiance, Ramona's best friend. Ohhhhh, the injustice. The only important thing to note about this scene is that CINDY LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HER BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND. This is beyond gross.

Do you think your girlfriend knows we look exactly the same?

On to a fashion fete! There's a charity event in town because Guccio Gucci (of Gucci fame) is in town. Ramona's purchased an entire table and she's invited Alex and Sonja. Alex talks some nonsense to Ramona. Sonja talks some nonsense to Ramona. Once again, Kelly is the only one making any sense! "Ramona didn't invite me to the Gucci event, but Mr. Gucci did." Kelly on why she and Ramona just don't click: "She's so much older than I am. She's, like, eight years older than me!" Awesome.

Can you believe Helen's Team Kelly?

Also not clicking: Alex and Sonja. The latter is having a big art party at her home, celebrating the Hunk of Man she's been boinking and parading around town. But, more importantly, he's painting a portrait of her. And it's... um.... not the best representation of Ms. Sonja. The preview sketch makes her look like a hot old mess, all wrinkles and pancake boobs.

Doesn't look a day over 85.

The finished product? Not much better. Somehow her leg just looks... wrong? Maybe I was right all along. Maybe he really was a house painter. Ramona was not a fan.

Degas, he is not. Ramona was clearly not a fan.

A Housewives party wouldn't be a Housewives party without some dramatic blowup over something. Sonja thinks that the whole Equality March business is water under the bridge (or "water over a duck's back," if you will)--providing that bridge is named "Sonja was Totally Justified in Everything She Did and Was Really Afraid of the Man in Sequins--What Was His Name? Simon?"

There's about to be a girl fight!

To say that Alex didn't take this well would be an understatement. If there's a "right" person in this scuffle, it's Alex. She'd been planning the event, was scheduled to speak (with Simon as her mouthpiece) and was even on the freaking invitation. She deserved to get to say her piece and she deserved to let it be known that Sonja turned what should have been an event about equal rights into an event about herself. But Alex, you could have done that in confessionals. You could have done that in another scene. Heck, if you were a smart person, you would have done it with everyone BUT Sonja in the room, included a nice visual of the invitation with your name as speaker on it, and made her look bad -- if you really needed the world to know how awful Sonja was acting. This party? This party was not the place.

Of course I just walked into this.

Classy tip from me: If you run around acting like a misbehaving child, whatever argument you could have made and respect you could have garnered, will be null and void.

Classy tip from The Countess LuAnn de Lesseps: I would have kicked her out just for the dress.

Episode Rating:


Drama: 9
Snootiness: 6
Turtle Time: 1
Sonja Being Fabulous: 4