The Real Housewives of New York City Weekly Recap: Season 4, Episode 3 "Hairy Mess"

By: Helen Cooper, OJ&B Contributing Writer
This week’s episode is all about moving on: from nasty divorces, from even nastier public arguments, from walking down the runway like a hot mess in heat and, finally, from delivering the worst speech in the history of podiums.

LuAnn's so buttoned-down she wears boots for her pedicures.

It seems that our mini-dress loving friend Kelly Killoren Bensimon has had a bit of a problem finding Mr. Right after her divorce from her world-famous photographer ex-husband. And who better to set her up than a recent divorcee and even more recent girlfriend-to-a-man-who-looks-a-lot-like-my-dachshund-mix, Countess LuAnn de Lesepps? After waxing poetic about Kelly’s trust issues and how she needs to relax (honey, when The Countess is telling you to relax, it’s time to simmer down), they decide that the best plan of action is for Kelly to attend Jacques’ wine tasting/speed dating experiment. See, Jacques works in “wine distribution,” something that rich people do for a living that sounds vague enough for me not to know what it is. And as a side-business, he wants to try out a fancy-schmancy version of speed dating, but with wine education thrown in for good measure. That makes perfect sense. It’s like blind dates combined with chugging wine combined with school. That coupling of high-stress situations and lots of alcohol (THERE ARE 8 ROUNDS. I WOULD DIE.) sounds like the perfect recipe for a healthy relationship.

Really good business idea, honey.

The event itself is called “The Wine Connection,” and LuAnn keeps hyping it because there are lots of European men. I don’t know, Jacques seems OK but the only other European men featured on this show have been LuAnn’s cheating ex-hubby and Simon. I’d take my chances with an American if I were Kelly, Sonja or Cindy—the three women in attendance. Kelly’s upset because there’s no Corona at The Wine Connection, Cindy is miffed that there are 23-year-old terrible actors up for the taking, and Sonja seems to be having eye sex with a gentleman who is unable to control his amount of perspiration. There are two things of note in this scene.

This guy really thinks this is his big break.

1. Thinking that there is a wine-tasting element to this strange speed-dating setup, Kelly asks if she is supposed to spit. The Countess LuAnn de Lesseps offers her this important life lesson: “I highly suggest you swallow.”

2.The previously mentioned terrible 23-year-old actor is perhaps the most unintentionally entertaining bit player on the Housewives franchise, ever. First, he tells Cindy that she could probably be his mother. I would have snapped that ugly little toad in half. Then, when Kelly gets her hands on him, she requests that he make like Zach Galifianakis in Due Date and pretend that he is acting in a scene in which he is both breaking news of his cancer and proposing marriage. Naturally, he asks for one of Kelly’s rings (props really do make the scene) and gets down to showing off all of his Julliard training. I cannot emphasize enough how truly awful he was. If he were an American Idol contestant, Simon would have come back on to the show just to tell him that he should give up the dream. Not everyone can be an actor. Some people have to work the counter at Duane Reade or wear the toy soldier costume at F.A.O Schwartz. Maybe Jacques has a server opening at The Wine Connection.


View the masterpiece yourself.

My points are invalid. Your hat is not.

Sonja didn’t do her only smoldering in this speed-dating scene. She and Alex made a lunch date to squash the whole marriage equality/art show drams and she pulled out all of the fabulocity stops. First of all, she’s wearing a fur hat that leads me to believe that the pair actually jumped on a plane and decided to have salads in Moscow.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over my hat.

And then, because she can’t allow anyone in the main dining room (gasp!) to see her in her yoga clothes, she leaves her coat, along with the ridiculous hat, on. What follows could never be taken seriously, even if it wasn’t being filmed by the same network that televised Being Bobby Brown. I mean, it’s basically the best power move ever on Sonja’s part. “What’s that? You’re angry about something you probably shouldn’t be angry about anyway? Well, try and stay mad when I’m wearing this hat. It’s simply not possible.” Point: Sonja.

Cindy: Ravished by the injustices of the world.

Also out to lunch: Cindy and Kelly. Cindy shows up shaking, absolutely bereft that she has just gotten into a fight with her nanny. According to Cindy she is “overly sweet and giving,” but this nanny is “not nice. She has an air. An attitude.” And what’s more, she only works 9-7, five days a week! She’s supposed to sleep over but only ONE of the nannies does that. HOW IS CINDY SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF HER SLEEPING CHILDREN BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 7 AND 9?! With the help of only ONE nanny?!

She did what?!

“You’re being taken advantage of,” says Kelly before hugging it out and offering her condolences. “Everyone has nanny drama.” Yeah, except for 98 percent of the population who somehow muddle through life without the help of a nanny and seem to manage just fine.

Ramona's version of bedroom eyes. I'd rather sleep in the closet.

But the world of an Upper East Side socialite isn’t all salads and nanny problems. There’s also lots of time for two-bit modeling. After last year's mess of a runway walk at Brooklyn Fashion Week, Ramona is eager to redeem herself, having been asked to walk in David Meister’s presentation. The result is less than spectacular. If before, Ramona looked like a coked up meercat, looking for a hawk on the horizon, now she looks like a Pekinese who somehow simultaneously got into its owner’s supply of Adderol AND Klonopin. I think that the second one is better but who knows, really. They’re both pretty strange.

Cindy, you are so downtown.

Elsewhere on the modeling front, world-famous Vogue model Alex McCord is celebrating her birthday. She’s turning 30-something, which in model years may as well be 60-something. And Simon has thrown her a fabulous party on Governor’s Island.

I'm eating a diamond cookie to convince people that I'm rich.

Much like Alex herself, Governor’s Island was thought to have had a purpose for a very short while but now it’s just sort of meandering around, awkwardly attaching itself to whatever group of people will have it. And boy, did Simon go all out for the party. There are three balloons, a couple of picnic tables. There are even a smattering of shady looking human beings. But best of all, there’s champagne! The key to an Alex’s heart. And Kelly and Cindy show up, a very strange duo of people to attend, indeed. They bring their children, but they don’t bring their coats, and as Governor’s Island is, in fact, an island. And New York near the water is cold and windy pretty much any time but the dead of summer, they leave in discomfort. Oh, well. At least Alex got to drop a glass of champagne on her son’s head. Because that really happened.

My boyfriend walked into the room, saw this pic and asked what was up with the Frankenstein monster.

The best birthday present of all for Alex is her very own photo shoot! There’s a hair and makeup team that play a funny trick on her and make her head into a marvelous rat’s nest. There a wardrobe girl who delivers the best line ever: when Alex says that the dress won’t fit, the wardrobe girl goes, “Oh, is it too big.” To which Alex has to reply, “Actually, it’s too small.” Now, this would be a sad, embarrassing thing coming out of anyone else’s mouth, but Alex just got done jambering on about how she’s naturally beautiful and how “looks are a matter of genetics. Hers are a happy accident.” Nobody likes a braggart, especially if it's wearing a silly hat.

This is my dead in the eyes Victorian man lady.

Girl, stop. You look like a fool. When the photo shoot is done and the photographer is tired of watching Alex’s impression of Black Swan, it’s off to whatever random award ceremony Ramona is being honored at.

Thank you for this totally fake award.

Ramona, for all of her important business lady pursuits, and for excellence in the field of pinot grigio and/or facial rejuvenation crèmes and/or QVC jewelry is being honored as “Celebrity Entrepreneur of the Year.” Huh. What a strange award that was not at all created to garner publicity for the foundation. All of the blondes, plus Cindy, are there to support Ramona. Alex left her bird hair in from the shoot and she looks absolutely silly. Sonja, upon hearing that she’s been off being a model delivers a zinger of a backhanded compliment: “I see you as a mom.” Oh, Sonja. Never change. And then it’s just off to Ramona delivering the worst speech of all time. Thank goodness Sonja talked through that because I don’t think I could have made it.